


the career of his humour

by paraTactician



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Pesterlog, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-17
Updated: 2011-07-17
Packaged: 2017-10-21 12:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/224996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paraTactician/pseuds/paraTactician
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He counts all of Time as his personal fiefdom.</p><p>She is feared by things that don't have a word for fear.</p><p>Neither of them has ever had a girlfriend before.</p><p>A coda to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/219707">'Xenos'</a> and <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/223398">'The White House'</a>. For full effect, read them first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the career of his humour

**Author's Note:**

> 'CAREER n. ... 2. A person's progress or general course of action through life or through a phase of life, as in some profession or undertaking. ... 6. _archaic_ A charge at full speed.'
> 
> So 'The White House' took forever, needed about five separate revisions, and knocked Hell out of me.
> 
> I needed to 'decompress'. I needed to 'kick out some jams' [ _is this right? - ed._ ]. I needed, in literary terms, to stand on top of a mountain doing some odd Oriental stretches and shouting 'whoa whoa whoa I'm PUMPED'.
> 
> Rules were simple: no going back. Once a line is written, it stays. Stopping to think is allowed, but no editing, no tweaking, no rewriting.
> 
> The result is so very stupid. But if one line makes one of you laugh, it was worth posting.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 07:43 --

TG: hey  
TT: Good morning.  
TT: You’re up uncharacteristically early.  
TT: Sleep well?   
TG: uh  
TG: not really  
TT: I’m sorry to hear that. I keep telling you an infusion of valerian before bedtime works wonders.  
TG: nah  
TG: im good  
TT: ...  
TT: Dave, are you quite alright?  
TT: Is this perhaps a new conversational fraymotif based on the subversion of audience expectation?  
TT: If so, it’s shockingly effective.  
TT: I was actually quite looking forward to your colourful eight-line demolition of valerian, herbal remedies, new age medicine, hot drinks, my lifestyle choices in general, and a number of other topics only tangentially related to the point at issue.  
TT: The cosmetics industry, for example, or China.  
TT: I even threw in an iterative usage of the verb ‘to tell’ in a context of proffered admonishment.  
TT: I really don’t know what more you want from me.   
TG: jesus  
TG: how are you this goddamn chirpy at like quarter to eight in the morning  
TG: its like  
TG: just how awake do you even have to BE  
TT: Ah!  
TT: Come quickly, nurse, I think he’s trying to speak.   
TG: yeah you better get that nurse over here  
TG: tell her to bring the  
TG: stethoscope  
TG: fuck  
TG: i got nothing  
TT: Dave, I’m moving from feline enjoyment of an easy kill to something like genuine alarm.  
TT: Is everything OK?  
TT: Has Terezi kept you up all night?   
TG: wait  
TG: what  
TT: Well, I know how she loves her macabre courtroom dramas.  
TT: The ones that last for hours, are weirdly specific about matters of procedural technicality, and always seem to conclude with the ritual dismemberment and/or evisceration of a soft toy.  
TT: It wouldn’t surprise me in the least to learn you’d been drafted in as Sub-Assistant Prosexecutioner to the Grand Deathjudicator or some such preposterously bloodthirsty legal fiction.  
TT: Forced to string up Smuppets from every door-handle in the flat until Her Tyranny’s thirst for kapok was finally sated.  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: Reading back, that was Pros-ex, not Pro-sex.   
TG: rose goddammit  
TG: can you please quit mainlining ginseng root and wheatgrass for one fucking second  
TG: resign your membership of the camomile high club  
TG: and get the fuck out of the bus  
TG: i dont want to go to school today  
TT: Oh, you poor thing.  
TT: Are you running a temperature?  
TT: I’ll make you some chicken soup.   
TG: augh fuck  
TG: i knew this idea was retarded  
TG: figures the one time i actually want to talk like regular humans  
TG: youd be the energizer bunny after a second helping of sasscarrots  
TG: i aint got the pep for ten rounds with mr miyagi in the wiseass dojo this morning  
TG: paint your own fence bitch  
TG: peace out  
TT: Dave, wait!  
TT: Don’t go!  
TT: I’m sorry, I had no idea you were trying to be serious.  
TT: I was merely trying to land as many hits as I could before you remembered what the lumpy things on the ends of your arms were for.  
TT: Of course I’m happy to talk.  
TT: I shall, with appropriate solemnity, put the sassbunny back in the box.  
TT: Somewhere, John Egbert is smiling, and he doesn’t know why.  
TT: Proceed.   
TG: oh gog now youre just strapping on your junior psychoanalyst mittens arent you  
TG: readying a case full of rorschach cards pre-prepped to look extra specially like pert puppet cock  
TG: queuing up a tape of soothing whalesong subliminally adjusted to play DAT RUMP in a terrifying satan voice every thirteen point five seconds  
TT: Dave Strider.  
TT: I am going to listen with unfeigned interest and concern to whatever it is that is troubling you.  
TT: Because I am your friend.  
TT: And also technically your sister.  
TT: But we haven’t entirely wrestled that last fact under control yet so I’ll let it slide for now.  
TG: k well  
TG: heres the thing  
TG: remember i told you about gc  
TG: and how shes kind of awesome  
TT: Mm-hmm.  
TT: I remember waiting for a punchline that never came.  
TT: You said, as I recall, that you ‘would like to get to know her better’.   
TG: yeah  
TG: well  
TG: i did  
TG: i mean i do  
TG: or something  
TT: You kissed her, didn’t you.   
TG: no  
TG: hell no  
TT: Oh.   
TG: she kissed me  
TT: Ohh.   
TG: then i kissed her  
TG: then i guess we kinda did that for a while  
TG: which was cool  
TG: then there was some other stuff  
TG: but wow turns out im done talking  
TG: for ever  
TT: Am I to conclude that your relationship with the lovely if certifiable Miss Pyrope has scooted up a few rungs on its personal echeladder?   
TG: oh yeah  
TG: pretty much all the way to fucking god tier to be honest  
TG: wait shit  
TG: i dont mean like  
TG: fucking god tier  
TT: Adjective placement: it’s not for fucking kids.   
TG: dammit i told you rose  
TG: i TOLD you about sass  
TT: I do apologise.  
TT: This whole conversation is, however, intensely ironic.   
TG: really  
TG: cause i am like ninth dan in irony and im not seeing it  
TT: That’s because you’re not in full possession of the facts.  
TT: ...  
TT: Oh dear.  
TT: You know Kanaya came over to visit last night?   
TG: oh shit yeah  
TG: sorry  
TG: howd that go  
TG: did you bond over boring old movies and intelligent yet conflicted female singer songwriters who write spiky acoustic ballads about being misunderstood  
TG: or did you just say fuck it lets play mario kart  
TT: Well.  
TT: It turns out that Kanaya and I have a lot of preferences in common.   
TG: thats cool  
TG: so she has good taste for a chick with horns  
TT: ...  
TT: You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?   
TG: what  
TG: hang on this isnt the new jersey turnpike  
TG: which ways north  
TT: I introduced her to some of Earth’s finest cultural exports.  
TT: You know.  
TT: Melissa Etheridge.  
TT: k.d. lang.  
TT: Sappho.   
TG: jesus christ i am officially being scripted by damon lindelof here  
TG: got nothing for company but a polar bear and a big old hatch  
TT: I’m saying that my researches into troll anatomy have met with swift progress and dramatic results.  
TT: Peer reviews were very positive.  
TT: Several times I found myself on the edge of a major breakthrough.   
TG: hold on  
TT: I can’t wait to be a useless piece of shit all day and count all these pennies.   
TG: whoa  
TT: Fuck, I’m dropping them down all these stairs.   
TG: rose  
TG: i cant even believe i am about to type this  
TG: but did you have lesbian sex with an alien  
TT: Well, that question opens a number of interesting semantic avenues.   
TG: rose goddammit  
TG: we havent got time for your noam chomsky princeton debate team define your terms bullshit  
TG: this is urgent  
TG: did you have lesbian sex with an alien y/n  
TT: Signs point to ‘yes’.   
TG: oh  
TG: my  
TG: god  
TG: ha  
TG: hahahahahahaha  
TG: this is fucking amazing  
TG: you mean this whole time weve been talking  
TT: Yes.   
TG: jesus christ youre not naked are you  
TG: please tell me youre not naked right now  
TT: I don’t see what possible relevance that enquiry has to our discussion.   
TG: rose put some clothes on  
TG: i swear to god i will walk away from this computer right this second  
TT: Oh, stop being such a baby.  
TT: There.  
TT: I’ve put my wrap on.   
TG: thank fuck for that  
TG: have some concern for basic etiquette woman  
TG: what were you raised by animals  
TG: i mean even jade wears clothes to chat and she was literally brought up by a dog  
TT: We’re getting off-topic.   
TG: yeah  
TG: and the topic is getting off  
TG: heyooooo  
TT: I did not smirk at that.  
TT: If ever confronted with insinuations to the contrary I will deny everything, and quite probably press charges.  
TT: Let’s be serious.  
TT: As far as I can see, the crucial point here is that I currently have in my bed a pretty alien girl wearing nothing but an artfully-draped sheet and a blissful smile.   
TG: uh  
TG: yeah  
TG: snap  
TT: The question therefore presents itself:  
TT: What is our next move?   
TG: burn the house down  
TG: claim on insurance  
TT: Serious faces, Dave!  
TT: I mean it.  
TT: What are you going to do after [S] Terezi: Wake up?   
TG: well i dunno  
TG: i hadnt really planned that far ahead tbh  
TT: Yes, I know, that’s why I’m asking.  
TT: Are you, for example, going to make her a cup of coffee and then usher her out the front door with a vague assertion that you’ll call later?   
TG: jesus  
TG: no  
TG: why would you even say that  
TG: rough chuckles rose  
TG: i was going to make pancakes  
TG: then i thought we could  
TG: go to the park  
TG: what the holy dribbling assfuck am i typing here  
TT: No Dave.  
TT: These are feelings.  
TT: Let them come.   
TG: oh yeah  
TG: forgot i was talking to the magical pixie princess of emotional honesty  
TG: remind me  
TG: what was it happened the last time you went for a romp in the feelings pile  
TG: something about dark gods from the furthest ring  
TG: suicidal berserker rampages  
TG: was that you or some other chick  
TT: Doesn’t it embarrass you?  
TT: Always turning up to professional fencing matches with a rusted garden spade?   
TG: oh haha meant to say  
TG: lesbian witch consumed by grimdark forces of vengeance  
TG: real fucking original  
TG: youre even named after a plant  
TT: Dave, these fumbling attempts at prestidigitation are as cute as they are pitiful.  
TT: You’re like a trainee conjurer who skipped the week on misdirection.  
TT: The audience watches sadly as he tries to jam the ace of spades up his tailcoat sleeve, accidentally dislodging fourteen coloured handkerchiefs and a live dove.  
TT: Double-headed nickels rattle and bounce from his pants leg across the stage.  
TT: At the back, a small child cries.   
TG: stupid punk kid had it coming  
TG: guess what sonny santas a fake  
TT: We can both see the card you’ve inexpertly palmed, which is that Terezi Pyrope makes you happy.   
TG: fuuuuck  
TG: could you at least try and phrase it in a way that doesnt make me sound so entirely pathetic  
TT: Do you want my advice?   
TG: no  
TG: alright yes  
TT: Go and make her breakfast in bed.  
TT: Girls like that.  
TT: Then, take her to the park. It’s May, after all. Everything will smell wonderful.  
TT: Try not to let her subject any wandering toddlers to due process.   
TG: yeah and then  
TT: Then hold onto her.  
TT: Bleed for her, kill for her, and never let her go.   
TG: ...  
TG: shit just got real didnt it  
TT: The shit’s ontological status is, I fear, no longer in doubt.   
TG: ...  
TG: well god fucking damn it  
TG: when a strider does something  
TG: he does it right  
TT: That’s exactly the spirit.  
TT: Be horribly in love with her.  
TT: Anything less would demean you both.   
TG: welp  
TG: this has been  
TG: an incredibly odd conversation  
TG: rose  
TG: thanks  
TT: Please don’t mention it.  
TT: Although you may not realise it, you haven’t been the only one deriving reassurance from this little pre-breakfast strategy meeting.   
TG: yeah i know  
TG: ive got your number lalonde  
TG: reaction time is a factor in this so please pay attention  
TG: there you were  
TG: waiting at your laptop at an ungodly hour of the fucking morning instead of staying all snuggled up and toasty with your alien squeeze  
TG: oh no daves going to be weird because it turns out im into girls  
TG: since obviously hes some kind of raging homophobic douche  
TG: who will gleefully jettison years of friendship for a fifty cent ride on the kneejerk dumbfuckery logflume  
TG: and anyway his opinion of me is entirely based on what sort of action im getting atm  
TG: hell be all like uh yeah rose uh cool i should probably uh get going  
TG: my chatbox will never again know the ironic majesty of his sick scarlet fires  
TG: and ill have to jump in a river or something equally melodramatic  
TG: also im an idiot  
TT: ...  
TT: Dave, inside your carefully-maintained chimpanzee suit is another, slightly smarter chimpanzee.  
TT: Terezi is a very lucky girl.  
TT: Now go and buy some syrup.   
TG: kk  
TG: peace out  
TG: oh wait before i go  
TT: Mmm?   
TG: bunp  
TT: ...  
TT: Oh, what the Hell, I daresay we’ve both earned it.  
TT: Bunp. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

* * *

BEN. I did never think to marry. I must not seem proud. Happy are they that can hear their detractions and put them to mending. They say the lady is fair: ‘tis a truth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous: ‘tis so, I cannot reprove it; and wise – but for loving me. By my troth, it is no addition to her wit; nor no great argument of her folly, for I will be horribly in love with her. I may perchance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me because I have railed so long against marriage; but doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No! The world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live ‘til I were married...  
\- _Much Ado About Nothing_ , ii.3


End file.
